18th March 2010

The Mo@£"% Fu*&ing Berkhamstead Half Marathon Sunday 7th March 2010

Apologies for my absence but it has taken me this long and quite alot of money (through therapy sessions) to be able to talk about this er..................... day from, quite literally hell!!!!

I was crapping myself in the morning because I didn't have my crew; Boss, Rocket and Emalaaa with me but dragged along my husband and kids instead! Loads of people at this Half marathon in Berkhamstead and loads of F&*^ing queues for the friggin loos!! Nearly missed my race and in bloody hindsight wish I had! I would of rather had 2 and a bit hours sitting in a portaloo I can F%^$ing tell you!!!!!

So I am ready at the start line trying to untangle my bloody headphones which were perfectly untangled 5 mins before but anyway....... I have that stupid velcro thing on my ankle, apparantly a timer but I reckoned it was some sort of explosive device but then thought why would the Taliban come to Berkhamstead?? - although I can think of 1 reason now!!!! And then, still waiting to start, I thought it may be a tiny camera and there was a man getting off on my camels hoove - yes running tights, Trinny and Susannah do NOT flatter!!!

So we start and yep doing fine thinking yeah I am the dogs with my ipod on, looking professional. Found a nice young man to pace with although I was rather close to his bottom, potentially I could have looked like a sex pest/stalker. 2 miles gone still fine and turn a country lane...........and then my world fell apart, quite literally - f&*%ing hill and this f*&^£ing hill went on for 4, yes you haven't misread this, 4 MILES!!!!!!!! Up and up and F&^*king up ( am I swearing alot???). At one point I knew we were high cos I saw a yak and a couple sherpas go by!!! It was so steep you had to walk the hill! Well on the 4th mile I turned the corner and saw another hill and said out loud 'Fucking Hell'! I don't know why but I thought by wearing headphones nobody else would hear????? Got a few weird looks - bothered, I was f*&^ed off!! Even Alexandra Burke singing about doing it in bleedin broken heels didnt help.

Mile 6 down hill OMG can't believe it and feeling ok 7 mile marker tired but ok and then turn a corner...yep another one and for 8,9,10 and 11. I get to the mile 12 marker and see my husband and kids, Jon said "Come on - only another mile to go!" If I had had the energy I would have punched him!!!!! At that point I felt as though I was in one of those days where your PMT is at is worse, everything goes wrong, you are as tired as you are in the early stages of pregnancy, you want to shoot anything/anyone and I was so angry I nearly kicked a Marshall!! Standing at the bottom of the hill smiling at me - don't you smile at me I feel like I have been out for the day with Bear Grylls!!!!

The end was close and thank god! Passed some runners that had finished and they were fondling their medals - I think they should have been grabbed and made to piss in a cup for a steroid check!!! Bastards!!

Crossed the finish line and was met by 3 old codgers who wanted to help me with my ankle strap I said no I will do it, I have just run 13 miles up friggin hill, unless you are Richard Armitage noone is touching the ankle - you get me????!! I like the older man but you know.........

I was feeling battered and bruised and tearful and all I had was a box of bruised bananas to greet me and a cup of water with flies in - yeah crap goody bag-oh what goody bag???

I cried in the car and cried even more because we had to go home via Hemel Hempstead! All I had was a cheese sandwich and sore feet for my efforts!!

Moral of the story - don't go to Berkhamstead and note to the race organiser - description of the course would have been nice or even the word 'undulating' thrown in, I will leave that with you!!!!!

Shalmon Mo Fo (fucking Berkhamstead is a hilly shithole) signing off

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