18th March 2010

The Mo@£"% Fu*&ing Berkhamstead Half Marathon Sunday 7th March 2010

Apologies for my absence but it has taken me this long and quite alot of money (through therapy sessions) to be able to talk about this er..................... day from, quite literally hell!!!!

I was crapping myself in the morning because I didn't have my crew; Boss, Rocket and Emalaaa with me but dragged along my husband and kids instead! Loads of people at this Half marathon in Berkhamstead and loads of F&*^ing queues for the friggin loos!! Nearly missed my race and in bloody hindsight wish I had! I would of rather had 2 and a bit hours sitting in a portaloo I can F%^$ing tell you!!!!!

So I am ready at the start line trying to untangle my bloody headphones which were perfectly untangled 5 mins before but anyway....... I have that stupid velcro thing on my ankle, apparantly a timer but I reckoned it was some sort of explosive device but then thought why would the Taliban come to Berkhamstead?? - although I can think of 1 reason now!!!! And then, still waiting to start, I thought it may be a tiny camera and there was a man getting off on my camels hoove - yes running tights, Trinny and Susannah do NOT flatter!!!

So we start and yep doing fine thinking yeah I am the dogs with my ipod on, looking professional. Found a nice young man to pace with although I was rather close to his bottom, potentially I could have looked like a sex pest/stalker. 2 miles gone still fine and turn a country lane...........and then my world fell apart, quite literally - f&*%ing hill and this f*&^£ing hill went on for 4, yes you haven't misread this, 4 MILES!!!!!!!! Up and up and F&^*king up ( am I swearing alot???). At one point I knew we were high cos I saw a yak and a couple sherpas go by!!! It was so steep you had to walk the hill! Well on the 4th mile I turned the corner and saw another hill and said out loud 'Fucking Hell'! I don't know why but I thought by wearing headphones nobody else would hear????? Got a few weird looks - bothered, I was f*&^ed off!! Even Alexandra Burke singing about doing it in bleedin broken heels didnt help.

Mile 6 down hill OMG can't believe it and feeling ok 7 mile marker tired but ok and then turn a corner...yep another one and for 8,9,10 and 11. I get to the mile 12 marker and see my husband and kids, Jon said "Come on - only another mile to go!" If I had had the energy I would have punched him!!!!! At that point I felt as though I was in one of those days where your PMT is at is worse, everything goes wrong, you are as tired as you are in the early stages of pregnancy, you want to shoot anything/anyone and I was so angry I nearly kicked a Marshall!! Standing at the bottom of the hill smiling at me - don't you smile at me I feel like I have been out for the day with Bear Grylls!!!!

The end was close and thank god! Passed some runners that had finished and they were fondling their medals - I think they should have been grabbed and made to piss in a cup for a steroid check!!! Bastards!!

Crossed the finish line and was met by 3 old codgers who wanted to help me with my ankle strap I said no I will do it, I have just run 13 miles up friggin hill, unless you are Richard Armitage noone is touching the ankle - you get me????!! I like the older man but you know.........

I was feeling battered and bruised and tearful and all I had was a box of bruised bananas to greet me and a cup of water with flies in - yeah crap goody bag-oh what goody bag???

I cried in the car and cried even more because we had to go home via Hemel Hempstead! All I had was a cheese sandwich and sore feet for my efforts!!

Moral of the story - don't go to Berkhamstead and note to the race organiser - description of the course would have been nice or even the word 'undulating' thrown in, I will leave that with you!!!!!

Shalmon Mo Fo (fucking Berkhamstead is a hilly shithole) signing off

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6th March 2010

Update! Been quite lazy on the old blog front I am afraid but it doesn't mean I haven't been out running!!

Went out last night with the Boss doing some speed......... I mean speed training not the drug although I have been tempted of late let me tell you!! Also did about 10 miles in the end on Monday morning just gone, with Toni (Boss) which was great as the sun was actually out for a change! We did stop behind a bush on this run but not for the reasons you may think! It was a bit dodge actually Toni said she was hot and needed to strip off so she went to her friends house and stripped off behind the bush in his front garden. I said to Toni, "Is he in?" and she said "No, he is at work all day today", but I could have sworn when I took my top off I saw a twitch of a curtain and a pair of binoculors!!!? She is either stripping or crapping behind these bushes - I really have seen a side of Toni that I am quite shocked and disturbed by! Oh god yeah and we ended up in a water-logged field full of cow shit which was fun, I should have run in my wellies it woould have been easier! When I was running back home I thought, god this is hard work!..... Yeah cos i has half a ton of mud and cow shit stuck to me brand new shiny running trainers!!

You see these women in running magasines running over glorious countryside, the suns out everything is wonderful... what complete and utter bollocks. You comeout running with us, we almost get shot by farmers, mauled by horses, trampled by cows, not to mention the shit... did i mention that???? And the occasional dead body laying around - well if you are

God if she reads this I am done for!

Been busy on the old fundraising too, on Sat Feb 13th we did a market stall in Hitchin selling the cards I make and cupcakes Boss ,makes for Valentines Day. Considering it was snowing on and off all day and bitterly cold, we did really well and I was really proud of everyone. It was quite funny acosting people in Hitchin getting them to make a donation or by our cakes. Emily and me took little Millie (Karen's daughter) and Ashley (Toni's daughter) around town shaking collection boxes although I think dressing them in rags and smudging soot on their faces was a bit much but that was Emily's idea and when she started grabbing people by the throat I did get a bit nervous.

We will be doing a Mother's Day stall on Sat 13th March selling our wares - literally as Toni has had enough of making cakes so it will be just the basic sexual favours! Obviously this is a joke kids out there if you are reading and you must get permission from whoever pays the bill. I have to say after all the cupcakes last time I hate the bloody things now and don't get me started in butter icing - it's not coming in my house ever again or if it does I will use it as grout!

I have a half marathon tom in Berhamstead so I will post a blog on how crap I will be and the fact that I will probably be the 665th runner out of the 665 people running to finish but what the hell it's a day out! I have to wear a tag around my ankle for this one which I thought was quite weird and I am worrying that they might have got me confused with someone who has an ASBO and doing a bit of community service, perhaps I will leave my flourescent vest with 'I did it!' at home tomorrow.

Need to start getting up to 16/17 miles next week if I can fit it in!

Shalmon Mo Fo signing off
x

Sunday 24th January

Rocket cried off cos she is still knarked about the Drifter, no not really her husband was playing golf! So it was Me (Shalmon Mo Fo), Emily (emalaaaaaaar) and Toni (Boss).

Started off at 8.15 am and it wasn't raining - yippee! Getting a bit bored of the same old route and hills so we did it in reverse - no not running backwards - you know what I bloody mean! Although that is a fantastic idea?? Maybe not then.

It was a relatively good run we all felt ok although Em had her headphones on at points and randomly sang out loud - I tell you her music mix is crap I will have to sort that out she is not down with the kids, I bet she has bloody fleetwood Mac on her ipod too. I tell you now if she sang that out loud she might be running backwards! Sorry you know what I am like about the old Fleetwood but it getting easier day by day and I attend weekly meetings at the A.F.A (Anti Fleetwood Anonymous) where we hug and stick pins in Mick Fleetwood voodoo dolls..............sorry perhaps I won't go on.

Yeah anyway so we get on into shefford and then up the hill from Tesco 24, I nearly wee myself(ok due to pelvic floor and absence of it is not that difficult I know), at the fact that I managed to run that bloody hill without stopping. Em did really well and really proud of the way she ran actually and that's all your getting on the niceties Em, abuse from now on.

We go on through to Shillington ok and I am in actual amazement that Toni has not asked to go to the toilet and wondered if she had in fact had extensive colonic the day before or whether she had corked her arse ( I wasn't going to look no!) After about 15 mins we lost sight of Emily then had a phonecall that she had pulled something, she said she saw 'a muscle bound bloke on a bike go by?................. oh no sorry I remember now the reception was bad, she had pulled a muscle in her thigh!! Ian (mankini wearing husband) was going to pick her up. Bless her she did well though.

So just the boss and me left and then she was looking for a bush at the top of the hill, yes for her usual pony in the woods! She cracks me up she goes deep into the undergrowth but is wearing a flourescent jacket! So there is me standing there in a flourescent jacket too and her glowing in her bush (no the bush bush - stop it!!!) Might aswell have a sign up saying 'Hello yes my friend is doing a shit in a bush!!'

Oh yeah and to add insult to injury my painters and decorators decide to pay me a visit too- never ran home so quick. I tell you it all happens on our runs, we live on the edge.

Ran 10.6 miles, will update time need to take off extra for injury and pooing though!

Next Sat maybe into Hitchin 12/13 miler- running with a commode, ice pack and tenner ladies so we should be covered!?

Chemalaaaar (shalmon Mo Fo)

FUNDRAISER

Thurday 21st Jan 8pm
Swish party!

Thanks to everyone again for coming it was great. Had a really good night I think there were about 16/17 people there. I will download a video that Toni/Deb did of what we got up to...I think its clean although I am being told Toni (Boss) drank quite a bit!

It did take a while for people to get the gist of the evening that it was a 'Swishing' event and not a'Swinging' one although saying that I did come across a pvc mankini in the size 14 section....it must have been Emily's or Ians(her husband) or both!!??

In total we raised £125.00 with entrance fee and raffle so job well done.

Thanks to Toni for the lovely home-made bread and pate and your house, thanks Karen for nibbles etc and thanks Em for the cheese and I don't mean just the humour!!

Note to Karen: That gimp mask is actually medium and not large like you told me? I can't eat my sandwiches in it. So that's my only disappointment about the evening. Chem xx

Saturday 16th Jan

9.5 miles

OMG! Well we met at 8.15 am and it was light rain which I thought we could cope with no problem, even after having to roll my eye bags up and tuck them into my sockets for being up that early in the morning! Putting on cold lycra at that time in the morning doesn't sit with me that well either but...... anyway I digress.
Yes we start running and it really starts bloody raining, oh and not just any rain the horizontal kind and with the wind too we were really enjoying ourselves NOT!
After about 7 miles I did lose the will to live however Toni (Boss) and Karen (Rocket) did very well.
Toni did her usual, acosting people to use their toilet! She went in to the garage in Shefford and asked a nice old chap if she could possibly use his toilet - I think the guy was so shocked at her 'wet-rat like with steamed up glasses look' that he relented and then threw his arms up in the air and said 'Take anything you want!' which was surprising. She didn't even take him up on the offer to get a couple of drifters for me and Rocket!

Anyway nearly home I was trying to think about the fact that there could be worse senarios like,
getting stuck in a lift with Fleetwood Mac being piped through on a loop or tweezering out my eyeballs! With, well, wet everything we finish running - (Toni and me together as Rocket ran off with the hump about the drifter) .

Did 14.36 Km 9.5 Miles in 117 mins
You go girls!!

xx

Did a brainstorming session last night about how we can get some money raised for our charities!
Doing a Swish party next Thurs 21st Jan. Very in to go 'Swishing' now, not to be confused with 'Swinging' though. This is a party where you take 3 outfits that you no longer wear and hang it on a rail and then there is a'free for all' where you can pick up other peoples stuff that they no longer want! Charging £5 a head with food included!

Doing 11 miler Sat morning hope this blimmin snow goes!